The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
it's like heaven, but drunker
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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