I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
