if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
