Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
