she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
