She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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