i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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