I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
