We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
