just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I showed him my bush... on skype.
home. puking in laundry basket.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize