Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
