I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
