Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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