no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize