8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
