im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize