Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
