Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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