He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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