life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
