You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
