final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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