can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
