Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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