somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
