i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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