but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
