i think my tv is drunk
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
