dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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