Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
