Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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