Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
