Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
