Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
