apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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