i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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