how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
