she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
