it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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