Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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