my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
