I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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