i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
