Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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