I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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