So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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