She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
