Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
