I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
