I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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