Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
