question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
