you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
