she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
