At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
