Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
