I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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