They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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