You're my little dorito
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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