Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
