moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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