I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
