im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
