I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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