I bet he comes in French.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
